Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Reading This Blog Will Make You Smart!

At the grocery store checkout line, I find myself escaping the unpleasant sounds of my restless children by losing myself in the headlines of the magazine covers.

I’m not referring to those newspapers featuring double-headed aliens who have apparently been holding Elvis hostage.

Rather, I am drawn to the glossy covers featuring the fresh, airbrushed faces of women flashing perfectly straight teeth and no circles under their eyes.

Next to the model’s beautifully colored lips, a phrase in fuchsia ink screams out, “Lose 50 pounds by Christmas!”

Equally promising headlines blaze out from all directions.

“Work and Family: You CAN Have It All!”

“Organize your clutter in 15 minutes!”

“Five-minute beauty secrets!”

“How to make your man listen!”

“Eat chocolate, lose inches off your waist!”

I find my hand reaching out for the magazine, which I am sure holds the secrets to improving my life. But before I grasp it off the rack, a parenting magazine catches my eye with its clever alliteration.

“Secret sleep strategies!”

“Stop the sibling squabbles!”

“Time-out tricks!”

“Banish backtalking!”

“Making them mind without losing yours!”

Then yet another magazine beckons me with scary headlines.

“The top ten dangers in everyone’s home”

“Five deadly carseat mistakes every parent makes”

“Three signs your mate is having an affair”

“Detecting identity theft before it’s too late!”

By this time, my mind is reeling with the possibilities of eliminating my clutter, losing weight while dining on chocolate, sleeping through the night on a regular basis, ending the seemingly endless fights between my kids, finding out what is so dangerous in my house, and how I could possibly find the time to read all five magazines with all these groceries to unload when I get home.

A quick math computation in my head reveals that to have access to this vast amount of knowledge, I would have to shell out $24.75. Since the calf check won’t arrive until October and kids seem like they would rather have supper than a pile of magazines, I walk past the display stand and start loading the four gallons of milk onto the conveyer belt.

On the way home, I have a great idea for diversifying the farm income. I could start a magazine aimed at folks like us. I can just see the first cover’s headlines plastered next to a disheveled-looking, Carharrt-clad woman against the backdrop of a barn.

“Sure-fire ways to remove grease and manure from jeans!”

“Secrets to cooperative cows!”

“It CAN be done: Work livestock without fighting!”

“End the heart palpitations while paying the fertilizer bill!”

“Convince your spouse that you really DO need that new tractor!”

I would hope that most country folks have too much common sense to pay money for obviously empty promises. I guess the real secret to a fulfilling is being content with what you have and not yearning for the unattainable.

But I sure would like to know how to lose weight on a chocolate diet.


Dawn said...

If you find out, please let me know!

Fun post!!!

Kris said...

Perfect! You have a wonderful way of writing. I totally "get" almost everything you write about. Don't remember how I stumbled across your blog but it's a good one. Keep on entertaining this Kansas farm wife!

Jenny said...

I've bought one or two of those magazines on occasion. And discovered that once you finally get to the actual article, it's barely more than a page and really doesn't pretain to you, anyway. Letdown. Samething with cooking magazines. I discovered that it's made with ingredients I either don't have, can't get, or it's too much trouble to cook anyway. Another let down.

However, if you had a magazine, I sure would subscribe to it! Can I be a contributor?

farmnwife said...

Here is one article I would like to read. "How to have the conveniences of town life while living on the farm."

Suz said...

“It CAN be done: Work livestock without fighting!”
That one hits home this week, Erin! LOL!


threecollie said...

Great post! And I would settle for learning how to organize my clutter in 15 YEARS. lol

Anonymous said...

We'd all be broke if we decided to buy all those magazines..


Farm Fresh Jessica said...

All you have to do is eat as much chocolate as you want...and run 25 miles every day. ;-)

The W.O.W. factor said...

Suz beat me to it!
..“It CAN be done: Work livestock without fighting!”...
I've QUIT so many times..."until you can quit hollering, I QUIT!"
Which then ensues more hollering! If you create that magazine, put me in first as a subscriber!

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