Saturday, April 26, 2008

How Much Did You Pay For That Hat?

This time of year, I cringe when I see my spouse during the daylight hours.

Let me clarify that.

My negative reaction is not due to the fact that he desperately needs a haircut and a shave. It’s not because he has had too much contact with the back end of a cow. I don’t even mind that he is wearing the same clothes he has worn for the past three days.

It’s not that I don’t want to see my spouse; it’s just that during this time of year, his presence at the house in the daylight can only mean bad news.

With the emergence of the wild oats and the convergence of chemical salesmen buying drinks at the local bar, we can be sure that spring is upon us. And during springtime on the farm, the male half of the partnership is seldom seen during the daylight.

Between feeding, calving, fencing, branding, and seeding, most farmers and ranchers these days are too busy to eat, so when I see my husband trudging toward the house, I automatically shudder as I imagine the bad news he must be bearing.

It is quite possible that something is broken. After a long winter of disuse, the farming equipment can usually be counted upon to have some kind of a hiccup.

If that’s not the case, it could be a casualty in the calving department. Since only a handful of cows remain to calve, they have fallen down on the priority list, which heightens the possibility of a dead calf and a flurry of phone calls to locate a graft candidate.

It could be that he is coming in for lunch at 3:30 p.m., having finally finished the chores he set out to do in the morning.

One of the scariest sights I have seen recently is that of my husband walking in the door wearing a new cap and carrying a new coffee mug. Normally, I would not make a fuss over his buying a new cap and mug, but when he acquires them at a bull sale, my heart begins to quicken. Just how much money did he have to spend in order to come home with both a cap and a coffee mug? I have learned the hard way that complementary caps are the most expensive headgear available.

No matter what the scenario, farm wives must follow a few simple rules to survive springtime.

First, they must never, ever ask the farmer, “How was your day?” That is simply asking for trouble. Second, wives should always have something in the refrigerator that can be microwaved in seconds when the farmer enters the house at 11 p.m. only to fall into bed too tired to eat it after all. Another safety precaution is to say as little as possible. Your husband doesn’t need anything else to think about, and chances are he’s not listening, anyway.

Finally, for goodness’ sake, don’t break anything, and if you do, hide it. Under no circumstances does a farmer want to come in during the stressful springtime rush and discover work to do in the house.

Following these bits of advice just might take some of the stress out of springtime and allow both you and your spouse to see the renewal of the land in a brighter light.


BoufMom9 said...

LOL! So am I to assume he came home with a new mug & cap? And, if so, what else did he buy?

Brother in Christ said...

Let's see......he comes home from a bull sale wearing a new cap and holding a new coffee mug...hmmmm, I would venture a guess that if they were to match the bull, the said cap and mug sported black advertising logo and not red????

Treasia said...

I really really enjoyed today's post. It brought back so many memories of growing up on a soybean farm. I guess most farmer's are the same and the same can be said about the wives. My mother felt the same way about those hats. she hated seeing new John Deere caps the most. Ha. Ha. We didn't see our dad in the mornings and the only time we seen him at night was after being in bed and seeing the glow of his cig come across our bedroom floor when he was coming in late to kiss us goodnight.

Beth from the Funny Farm said...

Brilliant advice!

Haf Dozen Reasons....... said...

Thanks for the advice. We are just starting into the farming thing and I have alot to learn!

Jessica said...

Good tips. Good tips!

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